Saturday, August 21, 2010

DEAFENED BY MY OWN SILENCES. . .


I m sitting here. . amidst the cheerful surroundings. . .who mock me at my empty heart. . .they are filled up. . not completely. . .i guess that's what gives them the empty space which is much needed. . and i sit here. . brimming with my emotions. . .brimming with my thoughts. . .
tears stream down the facade of the cold glass. . .like it does run through my heart. . .
i have tried enough but nothing seems to work. . .everything seems so wrong. . .so lonely. . .and for once am feeling lonely not alone. . .
some say. . i am a lost soul. . .lost in my own fictitious sorrows. . .i guess they say the truth. . for i am lost . .but don't know where. . .my hearts turned grey. . .and nothing helps. . can't seem to pray. .
i read somewhere. . when lord wants you to come back to him. . .he disconnects you. . .from the world. . .so that you feel empty for no reason. . .you feel you need to get back to your home. . .is that the case with me too?
is my time on earth running out?
i don't know.. . .but I'll just  live in the thought of some better world. . m not scared. . .if its the end. . or the beginning. . coz am a little sort of numbed by these periodical occurrings. . .
i lie here. . DEAFENED BY M OWN SILENCES. . .looking for something or some one to fix me. . .

Sunday, August 15, 2010

BEFORE SUNRISE. . .

 
Its 3:40 am . . .and I've just finished watching. . BEFORE SUNRISE. . .the most beautiful movie I've ever seen. . .no.  .well.it would be wrong to say it was just a movie. . it wos definitely more than that. . .it wos an experience. . 
am feeling a sudden burst of emotions. . i guess somewhere deep down in the core of my heart. . .there is nothing in this entire world that i live for more than the thought of love. . loving some one irrevocably. . unconditionally. . .magically. . truly. . nd getting those feelings reciprocated. . feeling that warmth . .feeling that magic when you look in the eyes of the person you love. . when you look in the eyes of your soul mate.


normally, people my age. . would worry about their exams. . would worry about their college. . about their job's. . about getting through in their field. . but me. . its not the same with me. . its altogether very different for me. . i sort of live in my dream world. . i sometimes just want to elope far away from the realities if this time. . .i wanna live life like its a mystery. . i wanna unravel it. . walk through the deepest woods. . .fall from the highest mountains. . i wanna just sit at the beach. . nd hold the sand. . in the palm of my hand/ / /i wanna lie on the green grass. . and stare at the wild blue never ending sky. . .
i wanna be with one. . .who really matters. . and without him nothing else seems to be real. . .i wanna unleash the power of emotions trapped within me. . 
i wanna live freely. . love magically. . .my soul is not a usual person's soul. . 
i know i am different. . .because for me the only thing that matters in life. . are things that i can feel. . .rest everything would burn to ashes. . .
i wanna unleash this bird within me. . 
BEFORE SUNRISE. . .is an exceptional movie. . a story about two people who accidentally meet. . .that you may call a serendipity. . and then find themselves entirely consumed with the other's presence. . .a movie just about their conversations. . .may seem simple. . but the talks. . the gestures. . the eyes, , they tell you the depth of the entire thing. . .it never felt like they were acting. . it seemed a real fiction . .so to say. . 
i am definitely enthralled by the movie. . .and i wish to see the second part. . .BEFORE SUNSET soon. . 


For now. I've gone into my own sweet shell of thinking. . .am away from this world. . nd i know i wud take time to come back. . 
i have to go to school tomorrow. . .last year at it. . .i know i should relish the moments. . i do. . .but they just don't seem to have that kind of depth in them. . the school days. . every body . . and every circumstance . . seems so shallow. . it never speaks to my heart. . .
nd am tone deaf to things which don't speak to my heart. . although i pretend i hear it all. . but pretending is easy. . for no one comes to know it. . .coz they've never imagined the never herd tones of heart. . .






At times like these. . my heart speaks straight to me. . .not thinking like rational adults. . .it does at it would to a little child. . nd i feel so sure. . i wanna paint the world with my words. . that i want to be a writer. . i have a writer's soul. . but then practicality is thrust on me. . and i feel confused again . . and then i realise i may be in the wrong field now. . but I'll have to struggle a lot harder to get to my right path. . but the struggle sometimes feels to be of some one else's. . i feel sometimes its not m
ine. nor do i feel anything inside. . an empty feeling engulfs. . 
but at moments like these. . i feel sparked by my heart's flame. . and now. . i feel so sure. . .that i would be a writer. . i would be a wanderer. . i would an adventurer. . i would be a lover!
* sigh. . and there, , i guess I've written my first true blog. . none commercial writing, , just thoughts straight from my heart.


PS-Its 4:00 am. . 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

IN THE HOLLOW OF MY HEART. . . .

The crimson light basking in the dusk's glory,
the sky deep in its blueness. . slowly giving way to the darkness which will soon rule upon her.
I sit here , on my "GATEWAY TO PARADISE",beneath the vast blueness of the sky,
hoping that the time would stand still for a while,so that i could drench in the timeless beauty of the moment.
The sky grey and blue but utterly pleasing,the surrounding wet and dull but wholly soothing,the wind moving slowly and sweetly,a tinge of coolness in it,whispering things in my ear. . .

I wish I could stay here and drench in the beauty of the moment,plunge into the deep emptiness of the sky and never care to come back to Earth,a land where my soul feels locked and chained in the dutiful quagmire of responsibilities,of growing up,of living in pretense,of doing things to please people when none of your heart finds peace in it.I wish if I could only stop the time and never face the foes of nature,of love,of my heart. . .

I wish i could live the life my heart wants but everything has a price to pay. The price seems too much sometimes and i feel broke ,for i can't afford it,so i steal it for some moments and then replace it, but i guess only true possession of my heart's desire can satiate my inner turbulence, for only then will i be happy,for only then will i be a part of my true "fatum",of my true destiny.
But every now and then,i feel so morbid.I feel like a vagabond,just wandering with time,with no set direction before me,with no set kinship of a friend,a brother,a sister or a parent beside me.Just woeful complaints,just eyes of hatred that look down on me as though i can't achieve a bit of good in this life,and so. . .it drizzles again. . .
Oh!dear sky!don't you cry at my sorrow,for i have the only support in you and if you shall weep,so shall I,so tell the wind to dry your tears and carry the heaviness of my heart away.Now its dark,like you have closed your eyes,its alright ,if you might,but don't shed these tears,for they are wetting my soul,dampening the pages where i spill my heart out.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that you've to learn to put up a fight for your wants and dreams in life.This world has been set up in such a way that first you have to prove your worth to others in terms that others can judge it,doesn't matter if you feel yourself worthy,for the naked ugliness of the dejection you face at the stake of your dreams is bound to make your own soul loose conviction in itself!

         "The nights shall pass. .
           giving way to bright days
          but i rather live in darkness,
           getting warmed up by the flame of my own soul
          than live in light,
         which digs out the hypocrisy of this world
        and leaves my own heart with a deep whole. . "

  -pramati