I've Seen It All. . .Or Have I??

Suomalainen ei usko ennen kuin hän on nähnyt.


It is a famous saying in Finland that translates to-
A Finn doesn't believe before he has seen.


These last 3 years i have seen a lot which makes me wonder if i have seen everything there is to see,if I've felt everything there is to feel,if I've lived everything there is to live. . . 


i know each person has their own set of trials and tribulations in life designed to make them come out a more experienced man,but for me these 3 years have been similar to a pit especially being shovelled everyday to create my deathbed. . well at least ,it seemed so. . 


I've seen myself falling in love,believing it was love...
I've seen myself trusting that i was incomplete sans that love. . 
I've seen myself laughing fake laughs. . 
I've seen myself waiting. . in utter and complete despair. . for someone. 
I've seen myself giving up hope,getting lost,and not having the courage to come back,
I've seen myself unable to get on my life,stuck in the place where he left me.


I've seen the prettiest faces in unknown lands,I've seen myself healing.  . with time. . 
I've seen myself flying like an untamed bird on the green sometimes white slopes of Finland. . 
opening my eyes to see the white nights.  . .closing them and knowing the sun will still shine. . 
I've seen myself. . waking up everyday there and walking on my own searching for nothing. . just feeling the chill European air on my Asian skin, making my eyes water,then at least  those scalding tears left a bit of warmth on my numb skin.


I've seen the beauty,appreciated the silence and enjoyed learning their language. . .but then again I've seen myself falling back to the pit. . struggling to come up. . reaching out. . to no one. . 


I've seen myself engulfed with happiness by the rush hour at Delhi roads,the typical smell of the city's air. . the warm smiles of my friends and families . . on seeing me after the greatest 2 months of my life. . . and then again I've seen myself caught in the midst of a place where i didn't belong. . struggling to be a part of. . the world of physics ,chemistry and maths. . where logic ruled . . and the heart silently went through its period of slavery, waiting to be freed.
I've seen myself fighting someone else's fight. . .not knowing what i did wrong. . if things were ever gonna be right.


I've seen my self putting up a brave face, sitting alone on my "Gateway To Paradise" i.e my terrace. . completely lost in the moment,the moment when i was the sky ,vast and endless. . calm and restless. . .
and then coming back to the four walls of my house, that had lost its existence as my HOME.


I've seen myself drifting away from old friends,not really knowing it was happening. . .I've seen myself falling so many times still standing on my own. . .discovering strength in me that no one,not even me knew was present somewhere in the depth of my soul.


I've seen myself enjoying my life becoming insouciant as the suns continued to set. . and the nights continued to linger. . .then again I've seen friendship dissolving  into love,loosing its existence. . but if its strong enough,it overpowers the shackles of love and comes out free. .  as that sane nonchalant bird.


I've seen myself go through series of periodical morbidness,that lingers like the smell of freshly baked breads when you enter a bakery. . .until i realised i need to come out of the bakery and close the door behind,if i want the lingering sadness to go.


I've seen my grandmother getting paralysed,I've heard my mother's deafening cries,I've seen her put on a strong face and carry on with her responsibilities,I've seen my mother fighting for her mother,I've seen my miserable self when i couldn't comfort her. . 
I've seen Nani recovering,struggling to remember the words that defined her life. . .I've seen her laughing at my silly jokes, and I've felt such an indescribable happiness and accomplishment when that happened.
I've seen myself quietening up,the times she told me to go away,to leave her alone in her anguish.
I've seen myself pretending am free from the worries that like the milkman at my door never failed to kiss my home's cheek everyday.
I've seen myself chugging the hurt,the pain down so that no one sees. . I've seen myself falling apart.trying hard to assemble the pieces. . .putting up a facade. . 
and I've seen the day the pit levelled up to the ground, filled with mud and no one could see that i was in there too. . .  except my parents. . .who pulled me up. . and filled it again so that i could stand on my own, without fearing to fall in again.


My boards have ended,I've left science forever.


I've moved on,completely from the love that failed me.I am not looking for any right now,but i know it will bump into me some fine spring morning and I'll know it is time i let go.


My Nani is still struggling,my ma and dad together trying to make the struggle easier. . .and I've realised i love them with all my heart but that is their set of trials,meant for them not for me.I'm here to help them,love them,and give them strength,happiness and assurance that i will be fine.That they don't have to worry for me,that I've grown up to be a strong ,independent young lady.


I've some great friends at my side,who i know i can completely trust. . and i know even though sometimes i feel like smashing their heads against the walls, each of them has distinct place in my heart.



Sometimes i feel I've seen it all. . .but then i ask myself, have I?


:)
there's still an eternity to see,i believe!


-pramati                       


                                     

And Its Time, You Come In . . From The Cold.

I have been walking on a wet,cold and dull road for quite some time now but finally I've realised that  the end which i see,which i hope for, is not there. . its an ongoing path,it just deludes me,it keeps bending at what may seem to be the end and i keep walking on, hoping, wishing that the miles would get short,that my steps wouldn't be forced to remain on this path for long, hoping that one day the road of morbidness would end and i would free fall in the lap of happiness!

But no, that's not the case,i  have figured out that its not that the road is laid out before you and all you can do is walk. . .walk slowly. . or run through it. . its all about the choices you make.

YOU were the one who chose the road.

YOU were the who chose to keep treading on it even after you realised its not taking you anywhere.

and YOU are the only one who can decide,when to stop and create a new path for yourself.

  A few days before,i was walking in the moonlight, thinking. . .

what do you do when you start finding comfort in the coldness of the air?

what do you do when you get addicted to the chill that numbs your brain?

what do you do when your only company is the moon,which lights up the night sky. . .only giving you a reason to stay in the dark just to find your moon?

what do you do,when you stand alone with your shadow , people walking past you, like you were no better than the silent shadow itself?

what do you do when you have got so accustomed to liking the haunts of the night,that the light of the driving wheels make you turn away?

what do you do,when you stop finding a reason to wake up each morning so you lie asleep, till the moon showers its fake warmth on you. . .fake coz it glows like embers. . but it will always be too far to provide you with the heat it promises.

moreover you don't trust the one who has stolen light from some one else(in this case the sun) to shine in your eyes. do you?

All these thoughts gripped me for long, i was going away from the real source of warmth in my life,going away from all the love i have in my life(which i had made myself believe had gotten over with its existence) until i went back to it and felt that love in the arms of my mother and then i realized, ITS TIME I COME IN FROM THE COLD.

         

DEAFENED BY MY OWN SILENCES. . .

I m sitting here. . amidst the cheerful surroundings. . .who mock me at my empty heart. . .they are filled up. . not completely. . .i guess that's what gives them the empty space which is much needed. . and i sit here. . brimming with my emotions. . .brimming with my thoughts. . .

tears stream down the facade of the cold glass. . .like it does run through my heart. . .

i have tried enough but nothing seems to work. . .everything seems so wrong. . .so lonely. . .and for once am feeling lonely not alone. . .

some say. . i am a lost soul. . .lost in my own fictitious sorrows. . .i guess they say the truth. . for i am lost . .but don't know where. . .my hearts turned grey. . .and nothing helps. . can't seem to pray. .

i read somewhere. . when lord wants you to come back to him. . .he disconnects you. . .from the world. . .so that you feel empty for no reason. . .you feel you need to get back to your home. . .is that the case with me too?

is my time on earth running out?

i don't know.. . .but I'll just  live in the thought of some better world. . m not scared. . .if its the end. . or the beginning. . coz am a little sort of numbed by these periodical occurrings. . .

i lie here. . DEAFENED BY M OWN SILENCES. . .looking for something or some one to fix me. . .

BEFORE SUNRISE. . .

 
Its 3:40 am . . .and I've just finished watching. . BEFORE SUNRISE. . .the most beautiful movie I've ever seen. . .no.  .well.it would be wrong to say it was just a movie. . it wos definitely more than that. . .it wos an experience. . 
am feeling a sudden burst of emotions. . i guess somewhere deep down in the core of my heart. . .there is nothing in this entire world that i live for more than the thought of love. . loving some one irrevocably. . unconditionally. . .magically. . truly. . nd getting those feelings reciprocated. . feeling that warmth . .feeling that magic when you look in the eyes of the person you love. . when you look in the eyes of your soul mate.


normally, people my age. . would worry about their exams. . would worry about their college. . about their job's. . about getting through in their field. . but me. . its not the same with me. . its altogether very different for me. . i sort of live in my dream world. . i sometimes just want to elope far away from the realities if this time. . .i wanna live life like its a mystery. . i wanna unravel it. . walk through the deepest woods. . .fall from the highest mountains. . i wanna just sit at the beach. . nd hold the sand. . in the palm of my hand/ / /i wanna lie on the green grass. . and stare at the wild blue never ending sky. . .
i wanna be with one. . .who really matters. . and without him nothing else seems to be real. . .i wanna unleash the power of emotions trapped within me. . 
i wanna live freely. . love magically. . .my soul is not a usual person's soul. . 
i know i am different. . .because for me the only thing that matters in life. . are things that i can feel. . .rest everything would burn to ashes. . .
i wanna unleash this bird within me. . 
BEFORE SUNRISE. . .is an exceptional movie. . a story about two people who accidentally meet. . .that you may call a serendipity. . and then find themselves entirely consumed with the other's presence. . .a movie just about their conversations. . .may seem simple. . but the talks. . the gestures. . the eyes, , they tell you the depth of the entire thing. . .it never felt like they were acting. . it seemed a real fiction . .so to say. . 
i am definitely enthralled by the movie. . .and i wish to see the second part. . .BEFORE SUNSET soon. . 


For now. I've gone into my own sweet shell of thinking. . .am away from this world. . nd i know i wud take time to come back. . 
i have to go to school tomorrow. . .last year at it. . .i know i should relish the moments. . i do. . .but they just don't seem to have that kind of depth in them. . the school days. . every body . . and every circumstance . . seems so shallow. . it never speaks to my heart. . .
nd am tone deaf to things which don't speak to my heart. . although i pretend i hear it all. . but pretending is easy. . for no one comes to know it. . .coz they've never imagined the never herd tones of heart. . .

At times like these. . my heart speaks straight to me. . .not thinking like rational adults. . .it does at it would to a little child. . nd i feel so sure. . i wanna paint the world with my words. . that i want to be a writer. . i have a writer's soul. . but then practicality is thrust on me. . and i feel confused again . . and then i realise i may be in the wrong field now. . but I'll have to struggle a lot harder to get to my right path. . but the struggle sometimes feels to be of some one else's. . i feel sometimes its not m
ine. nor do i feel anything inside. . an empty feeling engulfs. . 
but at moments like these. . i feel sparked by my heart's flame. . and now. . i feel so sure. . .that i would be a writer. . i would be a wanderer. . i would an adventurer. . i would be a lover!

* sigh. . and there, , i guess I've written my first true blog. . none commercial writing, , just thoughts straight from my heart.


PS-Its 4:00 am. . 

IN THE HOLLOW OF MY HEART. . . .

The crimson light basking in the dusk's glory,
the sky deep in its blueness. . slowly giving way to the darkness which will soon rule upon her.
I sit here , on my "GATEWAY TO PARADISE",beneath the vast blueness of the sky,
hoping that the time would stand still for a while,so that i could drench in the timeless beauty of the moment.
The sky grey and blue but utterly pleasing,the surrounding wet and dull but wholly soothing,the wind moving slowly and sweetly,a tinge of coolness in it,whispering things in my ear. . .

I wish I could stay here and drench in the beauty of the moment,plunge into the deep emptiness of the sky and never care to come back to Earth,a land where my soul feels locked and chained in the dutiful quagmire of responsibilities,of growing up,of living in pretense,of doing things to please people when none of your heart finds peace in it.I wish if I could only stop the time and never face the foes of nature,of love,of my heart. . .

I wish i could live the life my heart wants but everything has a price to pay. The price seems too much sometimes and i feel broke ,for i can't afford it,so i steal it for some moments and then replace it, but i guess only true possession of my heart's desire can satiate my inner turbulence, for only then will i be happy,for only then will i be a part of my true "fatum",of my true destiny.
But every now and then,i feel so morbid.I feel like a vagabond,just wandering with time,with no set direction before me,with no set kinship of a friend,a brother,a sister or a parent beside me.Just woeful complaints,just eyes of hatred that look down on me as though i can't achieve a bit of good in this life,and so. . .it drizzles again. . .
Oh!dear sky!don't you cry at my sorrow,for i have the only support in you and if you shall weep,so shall I,so tell the wind to dry your tears and carry the heaviness of my heart away.Now its dark,like you have closed your eyes,its alright ,if you might,but don't shed these tears,for they are wetting my soul,dampening the pages where i spill my heart out.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that you've to learn to put up a fight for your wants and dreams in life.This world has been set up in such a way that first you have to prove your worth to others in terms that others can judge it,doesn't matter if you feel yourself worthy,for the naked ugliness of the dejection you face at the stake of your dreams is bound to make your own soul loose conviction in itself!

         "The nights shall pass. .
           giving way to bright days
          but i rather live in darkness,
           getting warmed up by the flame of my own soul
          than live in light,
         which digs out the hypocrisy of this world
        and leaves my own heart with a deep whole. . "

  -pramati