Thursday, April 28, 2011


I was coming back from a bad face cleaning job that had given me a scar at my nose!fuming over it,i never realized that was a worthless waste of my energies,i had just wasted a moment of my LIFE thinking about such a futile thing.But then we seldom do realize how precious each moment of this life is!until of course its too late.

So all consumed by my thoughts of suing KAYA i was walking to the PITAMPURA metro station,although KOHAT was near to where i had been.She lived there, her apartment just beside that station. . "should i surprise her?" jerking my head,i thought otherwise.Then walking a few steps. . .I saw her retreating from the those very steps which i was climbing!

"HI!", she had said,"what a surprise! where are you coming from?"
"HEY!",With a sheepish smile on my face,i said,"KAYA!":)
"i have my farewell in 3 days,that's why",adding to my innocent alibi!
Looking from her to the lady standing beside her,her mom,i figured out,there faces were pretty much alike!
"ma,that's pramati!"she said.
"namastey aunty"i said,she greeted me in return and said,"its bin a long time,you've grown up,i couldn't recognize at first!"
Another embarrassing chuckle from my end.
"our farewell is on 12th the next month,in fact,i just went went for shopping and brought a few eye lenses!I'm so excited",she had said.
"I know,me too!!,a genuine note of excitement this time in my voice!
"which colour Saree do you plan to wear?"
"black",my eyes gleaming by this time.
"oooo! me 2! its gonna be so great"she had said.
i flashed my teeth at this.
"where are you going now?back home?"
i nodded.
"Why don't you come along to my place,it'll be fun.we'll have lunch together"
"yes dear,why don't you.come along,you don't need to hurry back so soon" her ma had said.
a genuineness in their voice.
"umm,i don't know. . ma is probably waiting for me. . i dont even have a mobile on me"
"oh dats no problem ,you can call from mine"she cuts in.
"No,i don't think that will be a good idea,she would have prepared lunch by now too.i really need to get going,I'll meet you sometime later."

Only now do i realise,the value of the word "later",its nothing. . "later" never comes till its too late.

That was the last time i saw her.

Now am sitting in the car,not knowing whats gonna come my way.
Last night.i realised she was on her deathbed,internal bleeding in her brain.
Shocked as i was,i didn't have much sleep as usual and when i slept i had a dream of her walking up with some support back to her mother.
The strangeness of it all,a day before i had dreamt of death and the following day i herd this news.

Looking out the window,i was just hoping my dream turns into a reality.

Then another thought,had i known she just had 2 months to live while climbing  those stairs at the metro station,how i would have agreed to that lunch offer with her.How i would've made sure i kept in contact.
How i would've surprised her that day when i was sitting in my class 2 hrs early with nothing to do and just  opposite her place.

But that hadn't happened.because we never realize that life is  PRESENT phenomenon,it may or may not b there tomorrow.It doesn't work on would've Been's or will Be's.We end up wasting half our present day by planning for tomorrow or by running over the "past" lane.
Yeah,everybody knows this.And most of the time,we think of it as philosophical bullshit until you get hit in your face with it.

Another thought takes hold as this one blurs out, what would've her mother done if she knew,those times when i regularly used to go to her place and we had started writing "our novel", that her daughter maybe just has about 5 more years to live?


And then i look out for a moment,the sign ahead says"SIR GANGA RAM HOSPITAL".
An uneasy churning of muscles in my stomach.
SO this is it,HERE WE ARE.

following behind the  her close friends and my ex-close friend i look around in the waiting room.
There she was,in her mothers face!
She looked at us,eyes that held so much pain,yet were clear,just a hint of red at the corners.
She gave us a welcoming smile,got up.
All i could think of was-She's so strong!
And then she recited the story,she must've learnt by heart now,how her daughter had been so weak since past month,how she had some stomach infection,how she has told her not to give some entrances,how she had been so obstinate about giving them,of how they brought her to this hospital and how the doc's said there were just 5-6 hrs she could live if operation's not done.
AT this point she choked.
swallowed her tears,her eyes shimmered just for a second then she continued again,how her daughter's not responding to the surgery,and hoe they're allowed to see her at specific timings,how they've bin waiting here,sitting all day,just for a speck of information.
How her case they're taking good care of her coz she's so young,how her case is so rare.10 in a million have it.And she was one of those 10.

I looked away,my throat dry,my eyes had glinted before.But i had managed not to let it show.
 "Is there a water cooler here anywhere,"i asked my ex-close friend.
She jerked her head.Obviously she was in much worse condition than i thought she was.THEY were best friends.sorry.THEY are best friends.

After a drinking some water,we stood there.We 3-the friends.
HER aunt came,she gave a dry smile.
Are you people alright?she said
"We wanna see her"my ex-close friend said.
"thats not possible dear. . . "HER aunt had said. . .and i lost track of conversation.
when i came back,she said there's no hope.
i bit my lip,"she'll be alright.i had a dream that she will be fine,yesterday night".i said and wondered how foolish it sounded.
"yeah,they say only a miracle can do that"she said.
undefeated at my attempt to stay positive i said,"but miracles do happen."
I said.Like i was trying to convince her when i knew so less.

"whoz her father"? i heard a friend asking,i looked around.
it wasn't hard to make out.the most hurtful eyes,brimming with tears but not a tear dropped.they just stayed their,etched in his eyes.
How could he hold their weight? without letting go? was all i could think. . .
He was showing her pictures to us,all lifeless and gaunt.
she flinched at seeing them,"but thats not even looking like harshita",her best friend protested.

The mother held out a hand and kept on his arm,a gesture that meant Don't do this,they are just kids,they don't need to see this.

I realized she was the strength of her family.The strong one.

A While after,she asked me"how did your exams go?"
I looked at her,glad she did remember me.
tears swelling in my eyes,but i contained them. . .
"am not doing engineering"
"oh!" she said,"then what do you plan to do?"
"Fashion communication or mass communication. . something on these lines" and i looked away.
"ok," considering that thought,"and how did boards go?"
was my reply.
"STUDY HARD.dont worry about all this,alright?
i shrugged,jerking my head. . like saying"yeah,why would i? there's no reason to worry"

while i just wanted to hold her hand and say you don't need to worry about us.I had a dream yesterday night,and while i was consoling you in that dream. . Harshita had walked in,weak but all happy and living.
That was the only explanation i could give her of having faith that she'll be alright.

instead i just kept mum.

The ride back was longer than i had expected and that too for the first time in my life.
It had always bin much easier and faster to get back home.
Often i had wondred at this and asked dad"why do we always reach  back home faster?"
"Coz the destination is clear in our head,of where we want to go,so that even a mile before,you feel you are already home"he had said.

But now i was wearing out,those images still fresh in my memory,the images of her family.
Before coming to the hospital.i had debated the topic of going there.
i wanted to go but there was something in me that dreaded going.
This is what made me go-
i wondered,if i was there,lying on my deathbed and Harshita came to know about it,she wouldn't have hesitated to come,i was sure of that.Instead she would have called more of my freinds from past and planned to come and see me.
So i decided,i would go.

Would she have sensed that i was there? just a few floors away? would she have expected me to come?
(You see we were close friends back in junior high,but then i changed schools and since then every year all of us have a re-union.This year it was gonna be after 1 may. . .maybe in a week from now.)
I didnt know if she would have expected me to come.i don't know if i would see her again.
I just pray for a miracle,i just pray that am able to show this blog to her,i just pray i can tell her what i never felt the need of telling her.That she is the sweetest person i've ever known,she's the only one who got us together and planned our re-unions.She is the reason i probably still know her.If it would've been upto me,i would've never done any effort to stay in contact.
sigh so much for the things i've never said.

And i know,i wasn't very close to her but still aren't there some people,no matter how long it goes by without seeing or talkin to them whenever you meet again,its like you never drifted apart.SHE was one of them.

LATER IS A WORD that should never have been invented.
CHERISHING THE moment is all that we should do.

WE go on in our lives,never bothering to look back,not caring to spare a few words of love to those near you.Never realizing life's not so long afterall.
AND WHEN THE MOMENT'S GONE YOU would have turned into nothing but DUST IN THE WIND.

p.s-DON'T waste your life.don't let your ego come in between fallen relationships,coz when all is said and done, you wouldn't want to live with regrets of never telling a person what they meant to you.
p.s2-Just respect DEATH.PLEASE don't keep moving forward like nothing's never gonna happen to you or your close ones.
It just takes a fraction of a second to burst a bubble.Doesn't it?

p.s3-I PRAY that you read this,Harshita. I LOVE YOU!


Monday, April 25, 2011


L.O.V.E -A word so commonly used,so widely misunderstood,so vaguely delusive and a word that still rightfully conjures up the entire essence of  our short existence in this timeless notion of the world.
I bet everyone can swear that they L.O.V.E some person in their lives like they never loved anyone else.
It could be parents,friends,lovers or any person for whom they feel a rush of warmth and care whenever they see them.It could be momentary,it could be long lasting, everyone claims to have experienced love in someway or the other but can you explain it? What is L.O.V.E?what do these four randomly arranged letters in English dictionary signify? 

Here is my attempt to understand,to explain myself and maybe to you what love is.I know i might not be quite near to it when am done,maybe the answers would still elude me,who cares though. . "the answer might be in the attempt itself"!

I had always wondered what it would feel  to be in LOVE? would it feel MAGICAL?would take away the emptiness i feel in the depth of my heart when am alone sometimes?would it make me COMPLETE?
what i failed to realize  was that it's not a stage that you acquire in life,its not a tourism package that assures you of the * wonderous * places you would see while assuring you the time of your life and value for money. . it's just a constant state of existence. LOVE is unconditional.There are no strings attached.You don't love a person if he/she loves you back.You love them because YOU LOVE THEM!

Love in its every form is a bit ambiguous.I don't know if there are different kinds of love,one for your family,one for your spouse or one for your pet!
I guess,i could be wrong in saying ,that LOVE is what it is.It's the same selfless feeling that makes us a bit more than just mere humans.Its the same energy that just materializes in different forms with respect to different relationships.

To love is to give away more than a part of you to someone,to see beyond their imperfections,to sacrifice your happiness for their contentment.Its irrational,since rationality instinctively tells us to do whats in best interest for us.
As a teenager on the brink of being an adult(since they say 18 is the rightful age) i believe the longing for a different kind of LOVE devours us at this age.A longing to be understood,to be cared for inspite of our shortcomings,a longing to feel that love,a longing to have someone in our lives who's smile would be the sunshine of our days and whose cries would be the downpour of our tired nights.

I've seen that this is the most vulnerable time of our lives when we feel quite certainly that we are in love coz somewhere deep down we desperately ache to be in love but the irony, this is the time when we seldom realize what love is.But again you can't restrict this to a certain age-group, many people till their dying day still don't realize what truly loving means.
I don't mean to say that anyone during the teenage years doesn't understand love or hasn't experienced it in full force.I just have have seen a humorous amount of *kids* saying with full conviction that they are in love with someone and hurting if they don't get a reciprocation of the same sort from the other side! Or in the other scenario i have seen people promising their love to each other like *fairytale romances* seldom realizing what LOVE really means.I like to scoff at them (and it is also for for mature adults who do so) who say this word without realising what it stands for!
TRUE LOVE is when you hold that person's needs,wants,desires much above than yours.That you'd b ready to cry a thousand tears just to see them smile,that you'd walk on desert of thorns just get that oasis rose for them,that you'd lay awake a million twilights just to make sure they sleep away safely,TRUE LOVE would mean that you're wiling to go away from them when you know it would be better for them no matter how much it might hurt you,it would mean that you could take the agony of watching them silently from the shadows while they laugh and live their life with someone else and not being angry or remorseful but only being happy for their happiness.LOVE NEVER ASKS, IT ONLY GIVES.

Now wouldn't anyone scorn at a person agonising for having lost their only love to someone else?Or crying in grief that they could never get that love in return? you tell me to pity .  . i ask why? if they yearn. . if they cry. . they cry for their own self. . LOVE is never selfish. . if its selfish ,it  NEVER was love!
I know its hard ,to love someone and not get it back,it's only human to hurt when someone ditches you. . . but life goes on. . .just don't hurt for what was never real. . for if it would be real you would never have to hurt!

I don't know if i am anywhere near unravelling the mysterious significance of the world L.O.V.E.
but i know i can define it in one simple world for the time being.    * SELFLESS.*

P.S.-Ask your mom and you'll know!:)
             P.S 2- I don't know why people signify the heart icon as *love*.You don't love solely from your heart, do you? I choose to believe it comes from the entire soul! 
          P.S 3-If you're sure its a true kind of love never hesitate to show it ,through small gestures or through words.In The end that's what everybody needs right. . TO BE LOVED!


Thursday, March 31, 2011

I've Seen It All. . .Or Have I??

Suomalainen ei usko ennen kuin hän on nähnyt.

It is a famous saying in Finland that translates to-
A Finn doesn't believe before he has seen.

These last 3 years i have seen a lot which makes me wonder if i have seen everything there is to see,if I've felt everything there is to feel,if I've lived everything there is to live. . . 

i know each person has their own set of trials and tribulations in life designed to make them come out a more experienced man,but for me these 3 years have been similar to a pit especially being shovelled everyday to create my deathbed. . well at least ,it seemed so. . 

I've seen myself falling in love,believing it was love...
I've seen myself trusting that i was incomplete sans that love. . 
I've seen myself laughing fake laughs. . 
I've seen myself waiting. . in utter and complete despair. . for someone. 
I've seen myself giving up hope,getting lost,and not having the courage to come back,
I've seen myself unable to get on my life,stuck in the place where he left me.

I've seen the prettiest faces in unknown lands,I've seen myself healing.  . with time. . 
I've seen myself flying like an untamed bird on the green sometimes white slopes of Finland. . 
opening my eyes to see the white nights.  . .closing them and knowing the sun will still shine. . 
I've seen myself. . waking up everyday there and walking on my own searching for nothing. . just feeling the chill European air on my Asian skin, making my eyes water,then at least  those scalding tears left a bit of warmth on my numb skin.

I've seen the beauty,appreciated the silence and enjoyed learning their language. . .but then again I've seen myself falling back to the pit. . struggling to come up. . reaching out. . to no one. . 

I've seen myself engulfed with happiness by the rush hour at Delhi roads,the typical smell of the city's air. . the warm smiles of my friends and families . . on seeing me after the greatest 2 months of my life. . . and then again I've seen myself caught in the midst of a place where i didn't belong. . struggling to be a part of. . the world of physics ,chemistry and maths. . where logic ruled . . and the heart silently went through its period of slavery, waiting to be freed.
I've seen myself fighting someone else's fight. . .not knowing what i did wrong. . if things were ever gonna be right.

I've seen my self putting up a brave face, sitting alone on my "Gateway To Paradise" i.e my terrace. . completely lost in the moment,the moment when i was the sky ,vast and endless. . calm and restless. . .
and then coming back to the four walls of my house, that had lost its existence as my HOME.

I've seen myself drifting away from old friends,not really knowing it was happening. . .I've seen myself falling so many times still standing on my own. . .discovering strength in me that no one,not even me knew was present somewhere in the depth of my soul.

I've seen myself enjoying my life becoming insouciant as the suns continued to set. . and the nights continued to linger. . .then again I've seen friendship dissolving  into love,loosing its existence. . but if its strong enough,it overpowers the shackles of love and comes out free. .  as that sane nonchalant bird.

I've seen myself go through series of periodical morbidness,that lingers like the smell of freshly baked breads when you enter a bakery. . .until i realised i need to come out of the bakery and close the door behind,if i want the lingering sadness to go.

I've seen my grandmother getting paralysed,I've heard my mother's deafening cries,I've seen her put on a strong face and carry on with her responsibilities,I've seen my mother fighting for her mother,I've seen my miserable self when i couldn't comfort her. . 
I've seen Nani recovering,struggling to remember the words that defined her life. . .I've seen her laughing at my silly jokes, and I've felt such an indescribable happiness and accomplishment when that happened.
I've seen myself quietening up,the times she told me to go away,to leave her alone in her anguish.
I've seen myself pretending am free from the worries that like the milkman at my door never failed to kiss my home's cheek everyday.
I've seen myself chugging the hurt,the pain down so that no one sees. . I've seen myself falling apart.trying hard to assemble the pieces. . .putting up a facade. . 
and I've seen the day the pit levelled up to the ground, filled with mud and no one could see that i was in there too. . .  except my parents. . .who pulled me up. . and filled it again so that i could stand on my own, without fearing to fall in again.

My boards have ended,I've left science forever.

I've moved on,completely from the love that failed me.I am not looking for any right now,but i know it will bump into me some fine spring morning and I'll know it is time i let go.

My Nani is still struggling,my ma and dad together trying to make the struggle easier. . .and I've realised i love them with all my heart but that is their set of trials,meant for them not for me.I'm here to help them,love them,and give them strength,happiness and assurance that i will be fine.That they don't have to worry for me,that I've grown up to be a strong ,independent young lady.

I've some great friends at my side,who i know i can completely trust. . and i know even though sometimes i feel like smashing their heads against the walls, each of them has distinct place in my heart.

Sometimes i feel I've seen it all. . .but then i ask myself, have I?

there's still an eternity to see,i believe!



Saturday, January 22, 2011

And Its Time, You Come In . . From The Cold.

I have been walking on a wet,cold and dull road for quite some time now but finally I've realised that  the end which i see,which i hope for, is not there. . its an ongoing path,it just deludes me,it keeps bending at what may seem to be the end and i keep walking on, hoping, wishing that the miles would get short,that my steps wouldn't be forced to remain on this path for long, hoping that one day the road of morbidness would end and i would free fall in the lap of happiness!

But no, that's not the case,i  have figured out that its not that the road is laid out before you and all you can do is walk. . .walk slowly. . or run through it. . its all about the choices you make.
YOU were the one who chose the road.
YOU were the who chose to keep treading on it even after you realised its not taking you anywhere.
and YOU are the only one who can decide,when to stop and create a new path for yourself.

  A few days before,i was walking in the moonlight, thinking. . .
what do you do when you start finding comfort in the coldness of the air?
what do you do when you get addicted to the chill that numbs your brain?
what do you do when your only company is the moon,which lights up the night sky. . .only giving you a reason to stay in the dark just to find your moon?
what do you do,when you stand alone with your shadow , people walking past you, like you were no better than the silent shadow itself?
what do you do when you have got so accustomed to liking the haunts of the night,that the light of the driving wheels make you turn away?
what do you do,when you stop finding a reason to wake up each morning so you lie asleep, till the moon showers its fake warmth on you. . .fake coz it glows like embers. . but it will always be too far to provide you with the heat it promises.
moreover you don't trust the one who has stolen light from some one else(in this case the sun) to shine in your eyes. do you?

All these thoughts gripped me for long, i was going away from the real source of warmth in my life,going away from all the love i have in my life(which i had made myself believe had gotten over with its existence) until i went back to it and felt that love in the arms of my mother and then i realized, ITS TIME I COME IN FROM THE COLD.