Thursday, March 31, 2011

I've Seen It All. . .Or Have I??

Suomalainen ei usko ennen kuin hän on nähnyt.


It is a famous saying in Finland that translates to-
A Finn doesn't believe before he has seen.


These last 3 years i have seen a lot which makes me wonder if i have seen everything there is to see,if I've felt everything there is to feel,if I've lived everything there is to live. . . 


i know each person has their own set of trials and tribulations in life designed to make them come out a more experienced man,but for me these 3 years have been similar to a pit especially being shovelled everyday to create my deathbed. . well at least ,it seemed so. . 


I've seen myself falling in love,believing it was love...
I've seen myself trusting that i was incomplete sans that love. . 
I've seen myself laughing fake laughs. . 
I've seen myself waiting. . in utter and complete despair. . for someone. 
I've seen myself giving up hope,getting lost,and not having the courage to come back,
I've seen myself unable to get on my life,stuck in the place where he left me.


I've seen the prettiest faces in unknown lands,I've seen myself healing.  . with time. . 
I've seen myself flying like an untamed bird on the green sometimes white slopes of Finland. . 
opening my eyes to see the white nights.  . .closing them and knowing the sun will still shine. . 
I've seen myself. . waking up everyday there and walking on my own searching for nothing. . just feeling the chill European air on my Asian skin, making my eyes water,then at least  those scalding tears left a bit of warmth on my numb skin.


I've seen the beauty,appreciated the silence and enjoyed learning their language. . .but then again I've seen myself falling back to the pit. . struggling to come up. . reaching out. . to no one. . 


I've seen myself engulfed with happiness by the rush hour at Delhi roads,the typical smell of the city's air. . the warm smiles of my friends and families . . on seeing me after the greatest 2 months of my life. . . and then again I've seen myself caught in the midst of a place where i didn't belong. . struggling to be a part of. . the world of physics ,chemistry and maths. . where logic ruled . . and the heart silently went through its period of slavery, waiting to be freed.
I've seen myself fighting someone else's fight. . .not knowing what i did wrong. . if things were ever gonna be right.


I've seen my self putting up a brave face, sitting alone on my "Gateway To Paradise" i.e my terrace. . completely lost in the moment,the moment when i was the sky ,vast and endless. . calm and restless. . .
and then coming back to the four walls of my house, that had lost its existence as my HOME.


I've seen myself drifting away from old friends,not really knowing it was happening. . .I've seen myself falling so many times still standing on my own. . .discovering strength in me that no one,not even me knew was present somewhere in the depth of my soul.


I've seen myself enjoying my life becoming insouciant as the suns continued to set. . and the nights continued to linger. . .then again I've seen friendship dissolving  into love,loosing its existence. . but if its strong enough,it overpowers the shackles of love and comes out free. .  as that sane nonchalant bird.


I've seen myself go through series of periodical morbidness,that lingers like the smell of freshly baked breads when you enter a bakery. . .until i realised i need to come out of the bakery and close the door behind,if i want the lingering sadness to go.


I've seen my grandmother getting paralysed,I've heard my mother's deafening cries,I've seen her put on a strong face and carry on with her responsibilities,I've seen my mother fighting for her mother,I've seen my miserable self when i couldn't comfort her. . 
I've seen Nani recovering,struggling to remember the words that defined her life. . .I've seen her laughing at my silly jokes, and I've felt such an indescribable happiness and accomplishment when that happened.
I've seen myself quietening up,the times she told me to go away,to leave her alone in her anguish.
I've seen myself pretending am free from the worries that like the milkman at my door never failed to kiss my home's cheek everyday.
I've seen myself chugging the hurt,the pain down so that no one sees. . I've seen myself falling apart.trying hard to assemble the pieces. . .putting up a facade. . 
and I've seen the day the pit levelled up to the ground, filled with mud and no one could see that i was in there too. . .  except my parents. . .who pulled me up. . and filled it again so that i could stand on my own, without fearing to fall in again.


My boards have ended,I've left science forever.


I've moved on,completely from the love that failed me.I am not looking for any right now,but i know it will bump into me some fine spring morning and I'll know it is time i let go.


My Nani is still struggling,my ma and dad together trying to make the struggle easier. . .and I've realised i love them with all my heart but that is their set of trials,meant for them not for me.I'm here to help them,love them,and give them strength,happiness and assurance that i will be fine.That they don't have to worry for me,that I've grown up to be a strong ,independent young lady.


I've some great friends at my side,who i know i can completely trust. . and i know even though sometimes i feel like smashing their heads against the walls, each of them has distinct place in my heart.



Sometimes i feel I've seen it all. . .but then i ask myself, have I?


:)
there's still an eternity to see,i believe!


-pramati                       


                                     





9 comments:

  1. NO words pramati
    u have seriousl stood up to the mark of the fins
    they r the warriors who fight the weather the seas the sky and i thank them that they made u learn their art of living

    pramati u have grown from a tiny little immature girl to a lttle hero of mine
    u seriously r my hero u r the one u hs inspired me to all the things
    what so may ever happen the love that left u or the science which tried to befool u u have become the great wall that ca n fight any danger that lurks around it and its family
    u have been the inspiration for all those struggling to survive
    pramati anad i here by declare u the cheif commander of ur own life
    now the battle of glory u fight are ur property (high pitched sound)

    may god always bless u with this strength :")
    may u be ever happy as today
    and may god bless ur beautiful nani :)

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  2. wow . this is great work looks as if you have been writing a lot because its got an experienced touch . beauty and hardships combined together give it a fine finishing . keep it up .

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  3. poet of the fall-thank you!
    and i do write. . a lot!:)

    tejwansh-hehe. . thnx bud! miles to go before i fly!

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  4. those r easier when u r strog those miles r fun when u have the right people along with u
    those miles pass by in seconds when u know that the path u walking is the one u chosse to walk
    those miles get simpler when the path chosen is of ur will
    the path and the miles r unrelevent
    what matter r the wings which u got


    UR soul has been gifted by the iron wing which cant be trimmed aur nailed u will fly to the sky u will be blessed by the almighty the wings of the soul cant be chained
    let them free and see the wings would take u miles in seconds :)

    hope ur wings grow bigger and larger with each new experience u learn
    and always remember there are miles to go before u rest

    With ur experience and the will ull surely touch the sky
    may god blesss u :)

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  5. pramati..this is infact beautiful..more touching!
    somethings in life take their time.I have seen u grow up and get up so quickly that all i see within u is a woman and not a lady. I have seen u cry,i've even made u cry..but that's learning. So complete,yet so incomplete.
    i.e. u rock, dont worry, i'll be always there(i hope this doesn't scare u)
    but u'll still be a kiddo to me(i kno i'm contradicting myself..but life is a mere contradiction)

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  6. and like always i find myself lacking in words to say..to express what i feel..believe me..trust me..! please understand what i mean to say!! take care..

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  7. I wonder How Some poeple can put to words exactly how they feel!
    I try and do that too.
    Poeple term it as more of logic, curtained stuff. Difficult to decipher sometimes.
    Remember who I am Pramati Anand!
    The scientific Amateur poet.
    Tera Aquaintance cum dost. :P

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  8. OMG!!! JAW DROPPED !!!
    MIND BOGGLING !!!
    FUCKING AWESOME PROMO !!!!
    YOU ROCK \,,/
    -the inventor of ur nick :P

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